Demented Border Patrol

OK, with all of this political crap on the tv I figured now is as good a time as any to unveil the Demented Border Patrol Plan.

It is really quite simple. The plan involves several regions or zones. These zones will be seperated by either a electric fence, moat, rivers of molten lava, or quicksand.



The first zone is simple. It will consist of rats and their corresponding fleas that will be infected with the plague. The intruders will not likely die while visiting this zone, but it will ensure that if they are not dominated by the remaining zones the chances of them making it to American soil will be slim to none.



Zone two will consist of hundreds of thousands of mockingbirds. Yes, that's right. mockingbirds. The mockingbird is very territorial. It dives and attacks intruders that come too close to its territory. They have even been known to attack their own reflections. In order to irritate the mockingbirds, automatic shakers will be placed on all of the trees. These tree shakers will knock the mockingbird young out of the trees as illegal aliens are walking by, sending the mother mockingbirds into an all out state of riot.

Zone three is the Chuppy zone. It is filled with Chupacabras. To put it simply, Chupacabras suck all of the blood out of your body through your neck. They are part of Latin American legend and the odds are very good that the thought of the Chupacabra alone will prevent most imposters from even attempting to come over.

Zone four is the Ron Mexico zone. It will have thousands of American Pit Bulls trained by Mike Vick himself. Pit Bulls are known for biting the faces off of children and leaving them lifeless. A large group of them acting as a unit could easily take down an elephant. I certainly wouldn't want to mess with a herd of these bad boys.

Any impostor who makes it this far deserves a treat. And they are probably very hungy after just working past molten lava, electric fences, quicksand, moats, the plague, mockingbirds, Chupacabras, and of course Pit Bulls trained by Ron Mexico himself. At this point Roach Coaches will be set up all along the border to reward hungry travelers. They will need to energy to take on what they will encounter next.

The final and most daunting zone is a triple threat zone. No human alive today can successfully make it through this zone. It consists of Trekkies, RPG Freaks, and Civil War Reenactors. The site of this zone will certainly convince any on comers that they made a huge mistake by trying to come to America. They will at this point attempt to cross back into Mexico, even though it entails going back through Zones 1-4.

Perrilloux, Bodypainting, and MORE!

Whoever created bodypainting is the inagural inductee into the Demented Tiger Hall of Fame. The second inductee is the individual who decided that body paint is an acceptable alternative for a bathing suit. This was an outstanding decision!

Ryan Perrilloux is a moron. This is not breaking news, just a reinfrorcment of what we already knew. He is likes to fight guy, likes to gamble guy, and likes to use counterfeit money guy. Apparently the only things that Perrilloux doesn't like is to go to class and follow team rules. It takes a special person to be able to blow an opportunity to not only to be the starting quarterback of the greatest football team on earth, but also the opportunity to make millions of dollars in the NFL and live a life of luxury. Instead, this guy will be living off of us in five years. I'm doubting at this point he will be a productive member of society. Les needs to can him now. Get him out of our locker room. He has no business wearing the Purple & Gold!

This leads Tiger Fans everywhere to wonder who our next option is at QB behind Perrilloux. Let me introduce you to Jarrett Lee. He is 6'2" and weighs 220 lbs. He has great arm strength, pinpoint accuracy and a quick release. He is considered a pocket passer but runs a 4.6 40-yrd dash so he's pretty fast. He is also known for making good decisions and placing tough throws. He's a red shirt freshmen, so you have to think that if he starts for four years we'll have a great QB by the end of his reign.

In technology news, you can feel free to buy that Blue-Ray DVD player now. Looks like Blue Ray will be the format of HD DVD that will be available, after beating out the appropriately named HD DVD. Or you can do like Demented Friend El-Train is doing and wait a year since Blue Ray DVD player prices will probably half of what they are now at that time.

Did I mention that Demented Tiger is a fan of BODYPAINTING?

RAIN OUT!

Unfortunately, Saturday's golf outing where Demented Tiger and El-Train were sure to dominate Jim and Zenger was rained out.

We'll Hand You Your ASSES!

Hear that Jim and Zenger? You better bring your A game bitches! Because IT'S ON!

The Demented Tiger will post photos of Saturday's ass whooping along with a scorecard. Apparently photo evidence is the "in" thing right now, so I will gladly document the carnage that will take place in Katy on Saturday. It will surely get nasty. That is for Jim and Zenger.

For background purposes. The El-Train is a below average golfer with limited athletic capability. On the whole, is athletic capability actually consists of spinning without caution or control. It is a dominating move on the football field, but not necessarily beneficial when playing golf. The Demented Tiger, while athletic 10 years ago, is now pretty much limited to swinging a golf club once or twice a year.

Zenger and Jim both play golf more often than Demented Tiger and El-Train and are individually better players. HOWEVER! This will be irrelevent Saturday.

And this just in thanks to Demented friend Nelson. Brady's ass is fired. Here's to hiring former Florida Assistand and current Virginia Commonwealth Coach Anthony Grant. Dude would bring an up tempo style. He's a winner. Let's get him Skip!

DAMN STRONG Guest Blog!

The following is a guest blog written by a friend of Demented Tiger, Jim. The views in this post do not not necessarily reflect those of Demented Tiger.

The Suns have the best record in the west, the most efficient offense in the NBA, and the most entertaining basketball team to watch, so what do they do…blow it up by trading Marion for the lead footed, foul prone, hip replacement, Shaquille O’Neil. The Diesel has too many miles on the odometer to be of any value to this team. (Editorial Note: This was a great deal for the Heat. They dumped Shaq with 2 years @ $20m per year left on his contract. Marion has the opportunity to opt out after this season and there is a good chance he will do just that, and if not the Heat will have to pay him $17m for next season only. No matter what, the Heat are getting the better, cheaper player with a shorter contract. Like Jim said, Shaq is done. Has Isiah taken over the Suns?)

Take the 5th, admit your past and move on, or just remain quiet! But he’s done none of this in a last ditch effort to save his name and legacy. Even though Pettitte AND Knoblauch have verified McNamee’s claim and he magically regained his dominance at age 35, he seems determined to prove otherwise. They tried to damage McNamee’s credibility over the possible rape charges in October ’01 but Clemens just gave us the reason McNamee never injected him after the ’01 season (the assumption being Roger was no longer able to trust him after getting caught GHB’ing some groupie and found someone else to poke him in the ass). Roger isn’t going to be able to pitch his way out of this jam he has himself in, so get a jail cell ready between the fastest woman on earth and the Pumpkinhead. (Editorial Note: Roger did it.)

(Editorial Note: The following is an exerpt from WSJ Daily Fix)

NATIONAL SIGNING DAY:

How did signing day become what it is today — Signing Day? Mainstream college-football fans began obsessing over which high-school players would attend which schools, Andy Staples writes in Sports Illustrated, around 20 years ago, right around when Will Ferrell was a USC intern answering phone calls from fans about would-be recruits.

That history reached its apex this week with two small-town tales from the high and low end of recruiting. Five-star quarterback Terrelle Pryor, from Jeannette, Pa., (pop. 10,654), is the first player ranked No. 1 nationally not to have committed on Signing Day in recent memory, one recruiting analyst — yes, that’s a paying job these days — told Sports Illustrated’s Stewart Mandel. It seems now Mr. Pryor wants to consider Penn State — and the New York Times cheekily headlined its article today, back when it seemed only archrivals Michigan and Ohio State were contenders, by saying Mr. Pryor is “majoring in drama” this recruiting season. The Philadelphia Inquirer’s Keith Pompey explains how Pryor hoopla has inundated Jeannette.

Meanwhile, two-star offensive guard Kevin Hart of Fernley, Nev., (19,700) announced Friday before a school assembly and local media that he was choosing Cal over Oregon. Problem is, neither school recruited him. Mr. Hart says someone impersonating recruiters hoodwinked him. The Washington Post’s Josh Barr attempts to sort out the feel-good story turned murky. If there really was a prankster, that person “is the cruelest human on earth,” Deadspin’s Will Leitch writes. “Also: Clever. But to be clear: Evil.”

Tebow's On Fire!

I would like to start this blog post by thanking God for the opportunity and ability to write with such eloquence and style. Without the gifts that I was given, this blog would not be possible.

Now down to business. I'm sure all of you have seen pictures of Tim Tebow's supposed girlfriend. If you haven't, well consider yourself enlightened.

Now isn't that special. Or... Wait... Is this his girlfriend.....

Or maybe people just like to take pictures with our boy Tim and put them on the internet. Hmmm. I think that may be it!

Well, here at Demented Tiger, we like to get down to the truth. So after much research a real picture of Tim Tebow with his girlfriend has been discovered.

That's right, Tim Tebow is gay. You know it, I know it, even God knows it. And like my boy Jim, Timmy likes 'em BIG! I wonder if SEC Guy knows about this? He doesn't take kindly to that sort.

In actual news, and relating to my last blog post, I would like to thank congress for getting involved with spygate. Another valuable use of government time and resources. Very impressive.

Today is NATIONAL SIGNING DAY. Follow who the Tigers sign here.

Finally, I am putting Jim and Zenger on notice that this Saturday you will get dominated by the Demented Tiger and El-Train! The pounding of your asses will begin at 10:30AM and will continue for a bloody 4 to 5 hours. Bring your checkbook bitches! IT'S ON!

Stop Bitching Georgia!

There has been a very disturbing trend going on lately with legistlature trying to stick their heads into the sports world. I find it very disturbing that the have nothing better to do with their time. Time that we pay for. Could they work on the whole Energy Crisis that they always speak of? Apparently not. What about trying to fix a Social Security System that is FUBAR? Na....


Let's take a glance look at a few examples. First would be the whole steroid fiasco in baseball. Congress figured it would be a good use of their time and resources to intervene. Call Bud out, players out, Fehr out... Ask them questions we already knew the answer to. Chew out poor old innocent Bud in front of the country.

Then we had Congress getting involved with whether or not the Patriots v. Giants game would be on "free" network television. Yea, that is certainly something that warrants their time and energy. Sports Bars everywhere were pissed off about that one. Who the hell is looking out for the Sports Bars!?!

And now the State of Georgia has decided to "call for a playoff system" for NCAA Football. That means that the Georgia taxpayers spend the money for 160 legislators to sit and come up with a "call for a playoff system". The best part is that the NCAA could give a shit less what the Georgia House calls for! And they can also give a shit less that the UGA President came out the DAY AFTER the Amazing and Glorious LSU Tigers won the National Championship and made a plea for a playoff system, shaming the SEC. Its amazing that all of this comes from Georgia and after Auburn went undefeated without a shot at the title, you heard nothing from Alabama. The State of Georgia is one large, whining bitch!